The most eclectic Christmas talent contest ever

My Cross Fit club has a fundraiser for their kids at risk fitness program that my coach heads up. It seems like a worthy cause, I’m just up the street, so I decide to slip into my Ralph Lauren magenta cocktail dress and black pearls and make an appearance.

I enter and swish around, looking terribly terribly interested in the silent auction items because I don’t know a soul in the room. I am gregarious on the page but in person I prefer to be the quiet observer and let others hold court. I will step up if the room needs someone to. That said, parties aren’t so easy for me. Are they for anyone? But I think “this will be a chance to establish some community which will solidify my fitness commitment and also maybe I will meet some friends outside of the arts scene?”

I am approached right away by Audrey, perhaps the fittest woman in the room. I also meet Cindy who is in Real Estate, Kaitlin who can wear backless dresses very well and is a student, a teeny tiny pre-school teacher that men gladly turn into pre-schoolers for and Charlie’s most excellent fiancé: a bright warm woman. I speak for a long time with Robert (French pronunciation). He is a passionate convert and so is his wife. We have a wonderful conversation that starts with the health benefits of work out variety and moves into coming from Catholic backgrounds and somehow segues into our happiness for the same sex couples in our lives who have chosen to have children. I also met Fernando, a new fish and wildlife officer. It gives me a chance to proudly talk about my step Dad: a celebrated award winning fish and wild life officer from Alberta.

Then comes the talent show. I think, “This should be interesting. How do computer programmers and economists do this?” But I am taken entirely by surprise. FIrst up are about twelve accomplished ballet dancers who do a portion of the Nutcracker. It is amazing to see ballet two feet away, literally: the lifts, the jumps, the precision, the beauty. It brings me to tears. It reminds me of the importance of honouring the body and what profound beauty can come of strength.

Then a couple of folks singers, quite good, then a blues singer who does a very interesting treatment of Britney Spear’s Toxic. Terrific voice. Then Fernando does this wild kind of Brazilian martial arts routine with kicks and balances and spins. Then…more along the lines of what I expected…four cute girls, all giggles, do one of those “small people” routines where one girl makes up the head and her hands are the feet and a girl behind her does the hands…they “danced” to a medley of songs…

Then a man gets up there in a police costume and a flash light. He starts gyrating to techno music and I think to myself “Does this guy realize this looks like a stripper routine?” Having never seen one before except in the play The Full Monty that I was in…I didn’t realize until it was too late…indeed, this IS a male stripper and this IS his talent! First he takes off his shirt. Then he picks out a girl in the audience and handcuffs her to a chair and does a lap dance. I’m a bit embarrassed at this point. Then he whips off his pants in one fell swoop – they are velcro up the sides. The crowd cheers as he gyrates around in his police hat, shoes and socks, sunglasses and a black thong. I realize at this point I am the complete nerd. I am in the front row shrieking with my hand covering my mouth. I am so not cool. He notices me. Oh no. And sure enough, over he comes in all his glory and does a little boing boing boing in my face while I prudishly close my eyes and shake my head and say “oh no no no no no!” with hysterical giggles. The crowd thinks this is pretty funny: the new girl. Finally he goes away.  Then he lights a little tray on fire and gyrates to the light of the flames and in doing so somehow wraps the Canadian flag around his waist…(not the maple leaf…no!) drops his thong and whips off the flag to reveal the largest member of parliament I’ve ever seen in my life.

Save the children, Oh Canada and Merry Christmas everyone. Apparently this is how the “other half” lives.